Funny Parent Junk

5 Ways To Sneak Liquor Into The Park

Five Ways To Sneak Liquor Into The Park

Open container laws can be confusing and inconsiderate. Here are five ways to sneak booze in the park and watch afternoons just fly by.

1. The Lipstick Flask

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You haven't cared about your appearance for some time now, but the judgy parents at the park don't know that (or maybe they do). Pop a little SoCo into this whore-red faux lipstick container, mix it with some sweet tea, and you'll have an economical, discreet beverage in seconds.

2. The Flip Flop Flask

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At a beach wedding with a cash bar? Don't let the cheap ass bride and groom get you down! On vacation with your entire terrible extended family? Chances are your mother-in-law is silently counting your drinks. Flip flop flask to the rescue! Fill your plastic hobo shoes with a bit of whisky and pat yourself on the back for planning ahead.

3. Nintendo Duck Hunt Flask

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Because carrying around a 25-year old video game cartridge isn't suspicious at all. If anyone asks, tell them it reminds you of your childhood "before the bad" and then start fake crying until they awkwardly back away.

4. Fake Beard

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So, basically you're all out of f*$cks. You're willing to engage in Disney villain cosplay to get a few beers into your kid's soccer game and we respect that.

*This is a gag gift but we wish it were real. Imagine someone wearing it to a PTO meeting.

5. Binocular Flask

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These are perfect for: the nosebleed section of concerts, the cheap seats at a basketball game, and sneaking hard liquor into a birdwatching convention. Enjoy!

Drink responsibly (that means share).

And remember, you're not drinking alone when you're logged into Facebook.

The Five Questions Parents Want Answers To

Parenting is confusing.

1. Hey kid. We're eating the same thing. Why do you need to sit on my lap and eat from my plate? Why do bites with my full-sized fork taste better than bites from your Sofia the First plate and matching cutlery set that you BEGGED FOR. I don't understand your choices. I like eating with no one in my lap. Did you know that?

2. You're amazing at knowing the second we've gotten into it. How is that? Do you have a sensor? Why don't you want us to be happy? You're crying because our pain brings you joy. Admit it. I'm ten seconds away from turning off the baby monitor, FYI.

3. It's too early for this. Shirts and pants are going to be a part of your everyday life. What's with all of the squirming and crying? As you lay flat on your back on the floor, screaming your head off because I *gasp* want you to cover your nakedness so we can get groceries, I have to wonder...what about clothing offends you?

4. Yesterday this food made you the happiest child on Earth. You ate it the same way I drink: often and with gusto. Why are you acting like it's salty dog turds on a plate today? I don't get it. Is it because I bought it in bulk? You like my tears, don't you?

5. This is my greatest question. It confuses me day in and day out. You're rubbing your eyes. They're red. You're bumping into things. You look drunk on cheap wine. Why won't you lie down and go the f to sleep? Why are you fighting this? If someone offered me rest I'd take it without asking. I daydream about naps. I'd pay money for eight hours of continuous sleep. Please, explain yourself? I need to know.

*weeps*

8 Alcohol-Based Advent Calendars For Parents of Toddlers

Between fishing turds out the bathtub and the pitiful amount of sleep you get, you've earned it.

8 Alcohol-Based Advent Calendars For Parents of Toddlers

1. The Wine of the Day Club AKA Teething Is Happening

Great for people who want to get arrested before Christmas. Maybe split it with the neighbors? This is sure to be a Christmas you won't forget. Or maybe one you won't remember.

2. Beer Me.

When trailer parks and Pinterest collide, this is what happens. That dollar store garland really adds something special.

3. Perfect Gift For Teachers

On the first day of Christmas, a second grader gave to me...a 25-pack of cold Dos Equis.

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4. Thanks Wifey

This one was made by a wife for her husband. So thoughtful. Everyone knows brown paper packages tied up with string are everyone's favorite thing. Sprinkle this with Fritos to show him he matters.

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5. Larger Families

This was originally made for a trio of roommates, but if your 21+ aged kids are coming home for the holidays, this would make a great gift. Or you can drink all three beers and ponder how fantastic it is to have the house to yourself. Or you can just drink all three beers.

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6. Gin Advent Calendar AKA The Potty Training Survival Kit

A company called Ginvent has put together a very classy advent calendar with a spot of gin behind every door. This is going to change lives. Sip it while you scrub poop of Thomas the Train 3T underwear. $129

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7. It's available in whiskey, too. $241

This package looks like it would fit in the pantry right next to the Cheerios. Sit in there and weep while you enjoy the smooth taste.

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8. For Foodie Parents

For parents who think they're better than everyone else, we recommend The Craft Beer Advent Calendar. It will go great with your organic dinners and hemp cloth diapers. (No one likes you)

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BONUS:

This is for parents fresh out of craps to give and no money because they spent it all on annoying V-Tech devices that require a screwdriver to change the batteries. All you need for this bad boy is a switchblade and a Sharpie, both of which you should keep away from small children. We call this the "Help Me I'm Poor" Advent Calendar.

Merry Christmas.

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8 Parent Truths That Cannot Be Denied: Volume I

Eight parenting truths that can no longer be denied.

1. Parenting With An Audience

Whether it's a park or restaurant, when all the other kids are being angels and yours is acting like they just crawled up from the underworld ready to take souls, it's humiliating.

2. Crappy Meals

Every parent has had to leave the table to wipe their kid's butt and then immediately go back to their sloppy joe like, "Is this really happening? Is this my life now?" Yes. Yes it is.

3. Falsifying Documents

Look. We've all been there. And doesn't your child reading their name on the reading log counts as a book?

4. The Toy Situation

If you're like us, your living room looks like the toy fairy took a crap in the middle of it. Yet, it's so much fun to see the look on your kid's face when they get some plastic piece of junk. We're stuck in a vicious cycle.

5. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

This goes for secret ice-cream, secret chocolate, and secret snacks. Store them where the kids and your spouse can't find it. Eat in the dead of night.

6. We Live For This

It's an incredible feeling. You go from maximum stress to maximum relaxation in a matter of seconds.

7. Don't Deny It

Other kids might be cute, but yours...well, you could stare at your kid's face all day, right? This is just nature helping us not abandon our kids. Good job, nature. Thank you.

8. "You're ok!"

Never. Appear. Concerned. It sounds wrong, but if you gasp or show any sign of fear over a small tumble, it will increase your child's jackal cry 6,000% and make a Band-Aid inevitable. They don't need that Band-Aid.

Get. This. Book.

Nobody Likes a Cockblock: The Children's Book For Adults Who Aren't Getting Any

Cockblocking by children is a serious condition that affects millions of parents around the world.

Excerpt:

The stars are out, it’s dark outside.

I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes.

Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock.

Because nobody likes a cockblock.

The train’s leaving the station, it’s about to go down.

My ticket is stamped for a trip to Pound Town.

Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock.

Because nobody likes a cockblock.

I love mommy so much. She’s my favorite cutie.

Tonight I would like a piece of that bootie.

Don’t ask for milk or help with your sock,

because nobody likes a cockblock.
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Nobody Likes A Cockblock is a children's book for adults about woodland creature moms and dads just trying to get their swerve on.

Release date (no pun intended): April 5th

Screw looking for a last minute Mother's Day or Father's Day present.

Preorder now: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0692636757

What You Say vs. What Toddlers Hear: 10 Examples

Toddlers hear what they want to hear.

What You Say vs. What Toddlers Hear: 10 Examples

1.

10.

Get. This. Book.

Nobody Likes a Cockblock: The Children's Book For Adults Who Aren't Getting Any

Cockblocking by children is a serious condition that affects millions of parents around the world.

Excerpt:

The stars are out, it’s dark outside.

I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes.

Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock.

Because nobody likes a cockblock.

The train’s leaving the station, it’s about to go down.

My ticket is stamped for a trip to Pound Town.

Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock.

Because nobody likes a cockblock.

I love mommy so much. She’s my favorite cutie.

Tonight I would like a piece of that bootie.

Don’t ask for milk or help with your sock,

because nobody likes a cockblock.
-------

Nobody Likes A Cockblock is a full color paperback children's book for adults about woodland creature moms and dads just trying to get their swerve on. It's perfect for birthday parties, baby showers, baptisms, and of course, wedding presents.

Release date (no pun intended): April 5th

Screw looking for a last minute Mother's Day or Father's Day present.

Preorder now: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0692636757

Dad and Buried's 7 Best Tweets

Follow @DadandBuried. He's like a cross between Louis C.K. and Homer Simpson.

1. This is the realest tweet ever tweeted. Two seconds after you throw the acorn away, the kid will need it like he's never needed anything before.