Eight parenting truths that can no longer be denied.
1. Parenting With An Audience
Whether it's a park or restaurant, when all the other kids are being angels and yours is acting like they just crawled up from the underworld ready to take souls, it's humiliating.
2. Crappy Meals
Every parent has had to leave the table to wipe their kid's butt and then immediately go back to their sloppy joe like, "Is this really happening? Is this my life now?" Yes. Yes it is.
3. Falsifying Documents
Look. We've all been there. And doesn't your child reading their name on the reading log counts as a book?
4. The Toy Situation
If you're like us, your living room looks like the toy fairy took a crap in the middle of it. Yet, it's so much fun to see the look on your kid's face when they get some plastic piece of junk. We're stuck in a vicious cycle.
5. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
This goes for secret ice-cream, secret chocolate, and secret snacks. Store them where the kids and your spouse can't find it. Eat in the dead of night.
6. We Live For This
It's an incredible feeling. You go from maximum stress to maximum relaxation in a matter of seconds.
7. Don't Deny It
Other kids might be cute, but yours...well, you could stare at your kid's face all day, right? This is just nature helping us not abandon our kids. Good job, nature. Thank you.
8. "You're ok!"
Never. Appear. Concerned. It sounds wrong, but if you gasp or show any sign of fear over a small tumble, it will increase your child's jackal cry 6,000% and make a Band-Aid inevitable. They don't need that Band-Aid.
Get. This. Book.
Nobody Likes a Cockblock: The Children's Book For Adults Who Aren't Getting Any
Cockblocking by children is a serious condition that affects millions of parents around the world.
Excerpt:
The stars are out, it’s dark outside.
I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes.
Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock.
Because nobody likes a cockblock.
The train’s leaving the station, it’s about to go down.
My ticket is stamped for a trip to Pound Town.
Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock.
Because nobody likes a cockblock.
I love mommy so much.
She’s my favorite cutie.
Tonight I would like a piece of that bootie.
Don’t ask for milk or help with your sock,
because nobody likes a cockblock.
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Nobody Likes A Cockblock is a children's book for adults about woodland creature moms and dads just trying to get their swerve on.
Release date (no pun intended): April 5th
Screw looking for a last minute Mother's Day or Father's Day present.
Preorder now: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0692636757
